Question from a reader:
“I am 70 years old. I look back at my marriage now, of 50 plus years and I wonder how we made it. We both had affairs. I had one when I was young, in my 20’s, back when good girls never did such a thing. And he, well he had several I think. I dont know. We never talked about it. But I think we both did it because we had never been with anyone else except each other. And we never would leave each other. Not like people today. They have sex with a lot of people before they get married, and then if they dont like each other they get divorced and marry other people. We didnt. We got stuck with what we had, and we rode it out. And sometimes, (I know this sounds terrible!) and sometimes we rode other people! I am laughing now, thinking of that. My boyfriend was a cowboy. I lived in Montana at the time. We didnt do things like that. But I grew up a lot from that experience. And I think my husband did too. Why did we do it? I am not sure. But I think it was part of what had to happen.”
Dear Reader:
Affairs are always growth trying to happen. Whether its your growth or the growth of the relationship, something is trying to shift. Sometimes an affair means your partner needs to grow. Many times affairs are a misguided way to push the relationship along. And sometimes an affair is a collusion, many times unexpressed and unconscious between a couple, to change something in the relationship. You might both know something is going on, but neither wants to admit it.
Like all life, we grow towards our fullest potential, even if we have to get there the hard way. Can you grow together, fully, bringing all of you into the relationship? Or does part of you need to grow outside the bounds? Where does your belief about who you are as a person create a boundary for yourself? Sometimes we create a boundary for ourself then jump across it as a way to individuate. Is there a way to do that by exploring your sexuality in your marriage? By pushing your edge with your current partner? If not, then integrating your growth into your self image over the years becomes part of the narrative of who you are. It cant be taken back. Sometimes, in your case, it becomes a part of a positive story about the two of you, never spoken of, but without destroying the two of you.
I am so glad neither of you got hurt along the way.
Dr Tammy Nelson
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