Question from a reader:
“I had an affair once. We were very young and our marriage had just started to tank. He didnt want to have sex with me because we had just had our son and he said he coudnt see me as a sexual person anymore. He was in the delivery room with me and I guess he was kind of freaked out. But I think it was more about him being tired, stressed, and feeling like he was at the bottom of the list of my priorities. Well, guess what? I felt left out too. Here I was a new mom, and he wasnt even touching me. Then I met ‘Bob’ and he made me feel sexy and alive again. Bob and I met for a few months and I got my mojo back. I felt sexy and young and like someone wanted me. I didnt leave my husband. I survived it. And my husband started looking at me differently. I would get dressed at night, put makeup on and look at myself in the mirror and think ‘I am HOT’ no matter what he thinks’ and I think he sort of started seeing me that way again. I think my affair saved my marriage. When my husband started to want to have sex again, I ended it with Bob. I am still grateful to Bob for what happened with us. I will be forever. And I dont think it was wrong, because it enabled me to stay married to my husband, who I love. I will never tell him. Because he could never forgive me. But in my heart I know it was forgiveable. What do you think, Dr Nelson?”
Dear Reader:
It sounds like you are really wondering if you can forgive yourself, and even more so – you are really saying that you already have. You are telling me that the affair helped you to stay married and to re-connect with your self and with your husband. So, my comment to you is really to re-word your question in a broader sense – does an affair have to mean the end of a marriage?
Your situation is only one example of how infidelity doesnt always signal a “get out now” response. An affair can sometimes be a way for couples to explore other options and realize that they need to end their current relationship. In your case, however, it sounds like you really wanted to stay married and really love your husband. And your affair was not a sign that you wanted to leave – rather it was a desperate attempt to stay.
Not everyone will agree that this is the way to make a marriage work. It sounds like you recognize that your husband would be hurt and angry if he found out, and that you dont see the point in telling him something that would devastate him at this time. If he asks you “have you ever had an affair?” – would you tell him? One caution – its one thing to “not tell” if someone is unaware of your affair. Its quite another to deny (and lie) when asked the question directly. Be prepared to be direct with him if the subject comes up and have a plan to get into some good couples counseling to deal with the ramifications, if you want to stay in your marriage. Sometimes therapy can help you process why an affair happened, and it can be a wakeup call for both of you and eventually, make your marriage stronger.
Divorce is not always the best option for couples. If you choose to stay in your marriage afer you or your partner has an affair, there are ways to recover.
Stay in touch,
Dr Tammy Nelson
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