The following is a partial transcript from my session of the Conscious Sexuality and Relationship Conference, an amazing online conference with 40+ other experts. You can still purchase the entire event with information available on everything from work, love, aging, conflict, arousal, desire, sex, spirituality, and more!
Your erotic life is a practice like yoga or meditation. You have to make a choice to do it. It’s not going to get better. It’s like playing the piano. I don’t know why people think their sex life is going to improve just because they have sex and then hoping that they have sex and then squeezing it in. Maintenance sex is not the same as practicing your erotic life.
Your erotic life is a sacred practice. The fact that you could have the potential to expand as a human being because of your erotic life – tantra, is a form of yoga. Yoga was created thousands of years ago for people to have sex. Tantra was a form of that. It was created so that people could have sex and create an energy that would connect them through their pineal gland to God.
It was assumed that that was the only way you could reach the universe was by having sex with each other. That was the only way to create that energy. If you have that potential to create any kind of loving energy between you because that’s really what the hope is, is that you have some kind of erotic connection, which makes you feel closer, which makes you feel connected, which creates an energy between you that perhaps will help you see God – I don’t know. Maybe you do, maybe you don’t.
Maybe it just takes off some stress out of your life. You have to set aside that time just like you would going to the gym. What I hear from people is, “Well, if we set aside a sex date it’s not spontaneous.” What I say to that is you can be as spontaneous as you want if you plan it. If you don’t plan it, it’s not going to happen. You’re not going to come home after a hard day’s work and if you’re managing the kids and the dog and the house, you’re not going to sweep the dishes off the kitchen table and say, “Take me now. I’m ready.”
It’s not going to happen. You’re tired. You’re busy, like you said. It’s exactly right. Unless you plan it you’re not going to have the anticipatory erotic feelings that you need particularly for women. If you want to have sex with a woman on Saturday you have to start on Wednesday.
You can’t expect a woman to be ready just because you say, “Okay, I want to have sex right now.”
Women have to feel aroused before they feel desire. Men feel desire first and then they can get aroused. Women have to feel physically aroused before they feel desire. Part of that anticipation for their sex date helps to be able to turn them on to get them ready, to get them to that feeling of, “Oh yeah, I do want to have sex.”
Every Friday night, nine o’clock you go upstairs. You light the candles. You put on the music. You get naked. You get in bed. You don’t have to have intercourse, but it doesn’t matter. As long as you have an erotic sacred space every Friday night at nine o’clock, if you fall asleep in each other’s arms naked that’s fine. It doesn’t matter. As long as that time is carved out as sacred. You don’t go out with your friends. You don’t drink wine and eat heavy food because you’re just going to fall asleep.
It’s not a date night. You don’t go out to dinner. You put a note on the door. You say, “Kids, this is Mom and Dad night.” They respect that. They don’t want you to be just companions. They want you to be more than that. They want you to be more than friends. They want you to be in love.
So why not start this Wednesday and have a fulfilling sex date this Saturday? I challenge each of you to keep the passion alive this week and honor your sacred erotic life.
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