In case you didn’t hear, I recently participated in an amazing online conference with 40+ other experts for the Institute for Conscious Sexuality and Relationship. There is so much information available on everything from work, love, aging, conflict, arousal, desire, sex, spirituality, and more! I’d like to share with you my session from the conference as a sneak peak to all of the wonderful wisdom available if you choose to purchase all of the recorded sessions.
The following is a partial transcript from my session of the Conscious Sexuality and Relationship Conference!
You can’t just change people’s relationship. You have to change people’s sex life in order to change their relationship. I think it took me a long time to figure that out. When you get trained as a therapist, the basic training, I think, in all therapy programs and for all psychotherapists and counselors, tells you that if you change the relationship you’ll change people’s sex life.
Your sex life will change on its own and I really found over the years that wasn’t true. You can work on people’s companionship and their day-to-day life and taking out the garbage and how do you communicate about the kids and all that stuff can be great and you can be attached and everything can be smooth and you can still not feel in love.
The myth in our culture is that if you – when you first meet there’s this romantic phase and everything’s great and wonderful and then you go into the next phase of your marriage, which is conflict and boredom and that pretty much lasts the rest of your life. That really always bothered me. I thought, “That can’t be true. That can’t be true for all of us forever.”
What I found in the couples that were happy and that stayed together and that found long-term satisfaction is that they had great sex and that they were passionately in love with each other. What I find is that all of us around the world – it doesn’t matter what culture you’re from – we all want passion. We all have a desire for depth, for more intensity, to be connected to somebody in that way.
The people that feel in love want to stay together and their relationships last. What I really found over the time that I’ve been doing this, the years that I’ve been doing this, the thousands of couples that I worked with and all the therapists that I worked with was that if you change people’s sex life, everything else in their relationships will change.
It’s not the other way around. It’s not that you work on the day-to-day, take out the garbage. All that stuff’s important, but if you change people’s sex life, they don’t care who takes out the garbage. Frankly, people are running to take out the garbage. As a therapist, I really changed the way I looked at people’s relationships and I started to focus on the things I think that really make big changes and that really matter.
Leave a Reply