When your partner cheats it can trigger a feeling of deep shame. “I must have done something to deserve this,” or in the case of Anna and Jane, they both realized that they had things they felt ashamed about.
Anna said,
“I feel like a terrible person. I never saw myself as the type to cheat. I know Jane will never forgive me. I am not sure how I can live with myself.”
And Jane said,
“I know this is my fault, if I had sex with Anna like she wanted she never would have cheated. I am a terrible person. She deserves better.”
Statements like these reflect a deep well of inner self hatred. An affair can trigger feelings that have been life long. Statements like, “I am unloveable,” or “I am a bad person” are usually old feelings, perhaps from childhood.
Shame makes us feel that “if you really knew me, you wouldn’t like me.” Shame forces us to hide our true selves from others. Revealing your true feelings can trigger fear; “Will they still love me?”
Handling shame means recognizing that the story you tell yourself about your own behavior and this may be an old story.
Take a look at the stories you make up about yourself and relationships. What is real and what is shame?
–Excerpt from the upcoming The New Monogamy by Tammy Nelson, PhD
Dr Tammy Nelson
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