This is reposted from Robyn Vogel’s article on DigitalRomanceInc.com. View the original post here.
Notice your sweetie eyeing another from across the room? Can’t believe your partner worked late all week and is now hanging out with friends all weekend?
Your body is tense and unthinkable words are perched on your tongue. Ah yes, jealousy has sunk its teeth into you and it can be a bitch to get rid of unless you have the right tools at your disposal.
Jealousy is toxic to relationships. It brings distrust, anger, and fear, making it nearly impossible to be loving and compassionate. Yet it is the rare human being who hasn’t experienced jealousy at one time or another.
So what can you do when jealousy strikes?
How do you shift from fear and return to love?
Using my STOP, LOOK, & LISTEN strategy can move you from destructive actions to rebuilding connection with your partner.
Step #1: STOP the compare and despair
Few of us are immune; men and women alike, we compare ourselves to others and in the process we ‘compare and despair.’ Does the phrase “What does she have that I don’t have” ring a bell? While caught up in this phase of judging we focus on the other person and make all sorts of assumptions based on how they look on the outside. STOP yourself right here.
How do you get back to the truth? It starts by loving and appreciating yourself. It’s up to us to love and to leave room for a much larger picture than the narrow-minded judgmental stories we create. Remind yourself of your wonderfulness and that your partner is attracted to those very things in you.
In this mindset you can appreciate that beautiful woman across the room right along with your husband. Try curiosity – “Hmm, what about her caught your eye?”, rather than an accusation “You wish I was a brunette, don’t you?”
Your commitment to strengthening your relationship must be stronger than your commitment to judging.
Step #2 – LOOK at your wonderful self
Jealousy strikes most people. There are few that don’t have a jealous bone in their bodies. Most of us feel jealous (i.e. scared) some times. What are we afraid of? We are afraid of losing love. It’s one of our greatest fears – losing the love we have in our lives. And when we enter that place of fear, it’s like being the hamster on the exercise wheel: we act from fear and become more fearful.
Step #2 requires you giving yourself a break. LOOK to yourself and love yourself for caring so much. Acknowledge the fear for what it is and remind yourself of the love you share with your sweetie. Remind yourself of how amazing you are. Successful relationships are the ones where both people know their true value and honor themselves for the gifts they bring to the relationship. Self-love is our highest task and it’s vital to a happy, joyful life.
Step #3 – LISTEN to your partner
This is where communication comes in. If you feel jealous, communicating with your partner in an open, direct and honest way is important in order to feel ease again. Use “I” statements, share your feelings with her and let her know you are scared of losing her. Sharing vulnerably ultimately creates more intimacy. Ask for reassurance if you feel you need it.
And then LISTEN, to what your partner shares in return. Just as you shared openly and honestly, giving your partner the gift of listening will encourage him to do the same. Honesty is a cornerstone of a loving relationship, right? Even if what is shared is difficult to hear, knowing the truth is the basis for moving forward – together!
Next time you feel jealous, remember this simple game of “stop, look and listen” – give yourself a chance to breathe, consider what you really feel, remind yourself how amazing you are, and plan for a direct and honest conversation. You’ll be surprised how quickly you will move through the very difficult feeling of jealousy and how joyful it is to come back to love with your sweetie.
Robyn Vogel is a Come Back To Love Coach™, Certified Sex Educator, psychotherapist, mother, entrepreneur, and all around love-adventurer! She is dedicated to guiding couples back to the most deeply loving connection possible; and if needed or desired, through a sacred, and loving separation. Robyn brings joy, wisdom, humor, warmth and powerful accessible tools to support others on their own healing journey. Robyn has been a regular featured contributor for Self Growth, Your Tango, Women’s Tool Box. TV appearances include Sex for Her Health and Happiness! More information about Robyn can be found at www.RobynVogel.com.
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