There are phases to the recovery of infidelity; it doesnt happen all at once – but the good news is that it can happen – if you want to recover. Sometimes an affair means its time to end the relationship. But sometimes you might want to stay together. In this phase you arent ready to decide.
There are three identifiable stages that all couples go through after someone has cheated – and you cant avoid them if you want to stay together and work on your relationship – even if you decide to leave at some point later on.
The first phase is the CRISIS Phase – in this phase the person learning about the affair might be in shock, but they’re not the only one. Everyone is in crisis. Even the person having the affair who has disclosed the infidelity or gotten caught is shaken. The whole system is destabilized.
In this phase you shouldnt make any decisions about staying or going. Wait till everything calms down. Notice if everyone feels safe – if not, what do you need to do to establish that safety for yourself?
And is your family safe? Are there problems with alcohol, drugs, or rage? First stabilize the system. Get some help, some counseling. Use professional advice, and put any long term decisions on the shelf for at least a few weeks.
Your closest friends might tell you to leave, to get out, to tell your partner its over. Dont trust everything that your family and friends tell you to do – they might have your best interest in mind – thank them for that, but remind them that you arent going to make any decisions quite yet. Right now you just need their love and support while both of you (or all of you) get some clarity on what happened. That will happen more easily in the next phase.
Watch for the next blog entry by Dr Tammy Nelson, when she will talk about Phase 2 of Recovery from Affairs.
for more info write her at tammy@tammynelson.org TODAY
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