After the Ashley Madison hack and release of 30 million users’ information to the public, many couples therapists are seeing an influx of new patients afraid their spouse will find out they were a member of AshleyMadison.com. It’s such a common concern that Elizabeth Bernstein of The Wall Street Journal consulted me as an expert to talk about the next steps.
The answer: “Disclosing an affair in a sincere, respectful and contrite manner may actually help improve a marriage.” (The Wall Street Journal) “Tell the truth now, and come clean about your motivation. This could be the moment you have been waiting for to change your life.” (HuffingtonPost)
But to truly recover a marriage after infidelity, it’s important to carefully execute your disclosure. My advice: Tell your spouse you’d like to talk and find a time that is convenient and a place that is private. “Acknowledge that there have been difficulties in the marriage and that one or both of you has not been happy.”
“[Address] three key areas of the affair: What kind of relationship you had. (Was it sexual or emotional?). What kind of sex you had. (Was it in-person, online, paid?). And what secrets you kept. (Did you spend a lot of money?)”
“You should stay away from sharing too many gory details, even if your spouse asks to hear them. “Your partner is not your therapist or your priest,” Dr. Nelson says. Overly confessing might temporarily alleviate your guilt, but it will only further traumatize your spouse.”
For more advice from me and other couples therapists on how to heal and recover your marriage, check out After Ashley Madison, How to Cope With Infidelity (The Wall Street Journal).
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