Question from a reader:
“So how do I avoid cheating on my husband? I love him, but I’m bored. And there’s this guy at work. Well, he’s not anyone I would leave my husband for. I mean we have kids, a house. I love my husband, I do. But this guy at work is hot, and he thinks I am hot too. He thinks I am more than a mom, and more than just someone who cooks dinner and drives the kids around. He makes me feel sexy. Its getting harder and harder to resist.”
Dear Reader:
One way to avoid an affair is not to do it. Many times affairs happen because the opportunity is there to make it happen. The easier it is, the more we flirt with the idea, the more likely you will “fall” in bed with the guy and then say things like “I dont know how this happened!”
If you honestly want to avoid infidelity, talk to your husband. TELL him you are about to cheat. Tell him you are feeling unsexy, mom-like, and unappreciated. Tell him that you met someone who makes you feel all these things, and you are scared. Its better to have that talk now, before you sleep together, then after you sleep together.
If at that time you both decide that you should go ahead, sleep with him, then you might be able to survive it. you might decide as a couple to open your marriage to outside sexual partners. Or once you decide together to have an open marriage, you might find yourself changing your mind, and decide NOT to do it. You might be so excited by your husband’s open mind that its not longer necessary to act it out. On the other hand, that idea of openness might be so upsetting that you need to have another talk about the state of your monogamy.
OR you both may decide that the monogamy agreement between you is clear for both of you. NO outside partners, no matter what. And that may make sense to both of you. And you might want to put all of your energies into the relationship for a finite period of time. Find a therapist. Set up a sex date, once a week – where you focus all of your attention on each other. Go on dates without the kids. Go away for a weekend. See what happens.
And re-evaluate. Check in with each other. How are we doing now?? You can never ask that question too ofen – it can be a sign that you are feeling insecure about things or that you simply need reassurance.
If you really want to avoid sex with someone besides your partner, you need something else to focus on, and something else in your life that will help you feel good about yourself. Find a way to grow as an individual. Join a gym, take a class, get a hobby. Sounds cliche, but you need to work on your own developmental growth, emotionally, intellectually, psychologically, and sexuallly.
Good luck working with this tough issue, and write more to let us know how its going, at tammy@tammynelson.org
Warmly,
Dr Tammy Nelson
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