Monogamy vs. non-monogamy is a hot debate topic right now and anyone who’s familiar with my work around “New Monogamy” and affair recovery knows I would argue in favor of honesty. I don’t fall on one side or the other of the “monogamy is biology” argument. If non-monogamy is a valid, healthy option for couples who have honest conversations about their relationship agreement, then who am I to disagree?
Apparently other writers have a different opinion. Sometimes critics take my work as a form of approval for cheating. Tracy Schorn is the blogger behind Chump Lady and as the ex-wife of a cheater, she has strong opinions about affairs and non-monogamy. In Monogamy Is Not the Problem she expresses her frustration with the critics of monogamy who have said monogamy “isn’t natural.”
Sometimes cheaters are narcissists, yes. For more on narcissism and anger and how it can affect a marriage, see my upcoming teleclass with Wendy Behary, Narcissism and Cheating. However, not all people who cheat get a high from being dishonest. Some people who cheat honestly regret the hurt they cause their partner and want desperately to live in integrity, but struggle to be honest with their partner. Some affairs are what I call “can-openers” – attempts to get out of the marriage. Some betrayals come from miscommunication about what is and isn’t cheating. And some affairs are just a heartbreaking hot mess.
Tracy Schorn puts it like this: “Monogamy is not difficult — honest conversations are.” I agree. Honesty is the key to a happy marriage. After 25 years of clinical experience with couples, I can tell you that the partners who stay together and are satisfied with their relationships are the ones who don’t keep secrets. And they also dont care what other people think about their monogamy.
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