Pornography is many things. Sometimes it’s a movie, or a series of photos, or narrative erotica; all of which we can label as “porn.” But a lot of what we call porn is just not very erotic.

Porn comes in many different styles. There is fetish porn, paraphilia porn, couple-porn, gay-porn, straight porn, anime porn — you name it — there is no end to the human sexual imagination, therefore there is no end to the porn available for viewing.

Any of your erotic visual needs can be met through pornography today, anything you want to see is out there on the internet at the tip of your fingertips, and most of it is free.

Porn is Reliable

Porn today is dependable, reliable and consistent. It’s always there when and if you need it, it doesn’t need foreplay or lube, and it doesn’t ask questions. It doesn’t ask for your number when it’s over and it never rolls over and snores when you’re done.

That may be why more women than ever are looking at porn, either with a partner or on their own.

It is really important that porn viewers, in particular, young male viewers, realize that most of the scenes in porn are exactly that — scenes. They are staged, set up, sometimes rehearsed, and at times repeated, in order to create the most visually stimulating and most sexual charge. In most cases the people in porn are actors. They are paid (or volunteer or are coerced) to fake it. They may use both legal and illegal drugs to maintain erections, achieve orgasm, stay wet, relieve pain, and/or numb out to the experience.

Dishonest Porn

One of the biggest lies that both men and women have learned by watching actors in porn is that women don’t need any type of arousal or stimulation to orgasm, other than a big penis in their vagina or anus.

The reality of women’s sexuality is much different. Women are anatomically built in a way that they need direct clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm. Immediate penetration without lubrication and without clitoral stimulation isn’t very realistic and can be uncomfortable, intrusive and painful.

Even today, with the availability of feminist porn, porn made by women and for women, it is still rare to see a clitoris on screen. This has led to a generation of men (and women) who think that the more — and the faster and harder — a woman is penetrated, the more she’ll orgasm.

Not true.

Is there room for porn in a healthy relationship?

Porn — good porn — ( I define good porn as porn that shows participants getting off for real, and consensually) any porn that works for the viewer — can be used in many ways — including to create a more satisfying erotic life.

First, it can increase desire and arousal in both men and women. It can be highly stimulating and bring a couple out of their routine sexuality (what I call “maintenance sex.”)

Spicing things up

Sometimes when couples (hetero, homosexual and all other combos of relationship types) need a jolt to their sex lives a porn movie or video can add immediate stimulation and a little more spice.

Porn (the good stuff) can also be used for educational and information purposes. Couples can use porn to find out how to do a move, what other people do to make it work, and what it might look like if they tried.

There are plenty of instructional and educational porn movies out there that explain everything from oral sex to bondage to how to add a third person in the bedroom.

And porn can be a way for couples to discover and explore new sexual fantasies together. Watching movies can help couples communicate about what they like and what they don’t. It can open a dialogue and be the beginning of a new way to talk about sex and increase the erotic connection between a couple.

But doesn’t porn negatively impact a relationship?

Porn is primarily a visual stimulant used for masturbation. It can be a way for someone to get off by themselves, and both men and women use it for visual stimuli, for a variety of reasons and in many situations.

If masturbating to porn happens too often, it can drain the erotic energy from a person’s in-real-life sex life. It shifts the energy and the needs away from a relationship and may cut off communication, connection, and creativity in a relationship.

And, it can numb the erotic imagination. Building your fantasy life in your mind and sharing that with a partner can be a way to turn yourself on and turn on your partner. Relying on porn to do your thinking can reduce the creative erotic thought process.

Porn can be fun, but sometimes you just need to think for yourself.

Too much porn?

How do you know if you’re watching too much porn or if it’s affecting you negatively?

If you find yourself relying on porn to get off, if you find you need more porn or more intensive porn images to reach orgasm or if you find you have tried to stop and can’t….you may have a problem.

If your porn use or masturbating to porn is negatively affecting your relationship, your job or your health, it’s definitely an issue.

How do you get to mind-blowing sex then, without the visual stimulus of pornography?

Want mind-blowing sex?

Mind-blowing sex is exactly what it sounds like; it starts in the mind and then explodes through your senses. Great erotic experiences begin with a fantasy — maybe on screen or maybe in the screen of your inner creative and erotic imagination.

Sharing your fantasies with a partner can make you feel connected and alive. Can you do that by sharing your most erotic thoughts and ideas, either verbally or by writing them down and passing them over?

Getting the sex you want

Make a list and share them, or draw pictures, or make cartoons. (Or check out my book, Getting the Sex You Want, for a list of fantasies and ways to share them with your partner.)

Heightened sensual experiences include auditory stimulation as well as stimulation to your emotions. Feeling things adds the ultimate dimension to your sex life, which means talking about how you feel before, during and after sex can really help.

Anticipation also helps. Plan on having great sex this weekend. Connect with your partner by sharing your fantasies, talk about them, give details, or draw a picture. Maybe even explore ways to act out some of your favorites.

If you are in a relationship, or you have someone you have sex with and you want to put away the porn for a while, try to create some sexy moments with that real person, and you might find that the movie in your bedroom is better than anything on your screen.

For more, check out her latest podcast at www.TheTroubleWithSex.com

Dr. Tammy Nelson is a Certified Sex Therapist and the author of a bunch of books on sex. Check her out at www.drtammynelson.com