A woman sat in my office today and asked me this question.
“Can couples really get over an affair?” she asked. “I mean, is it really ever over? What if that affair was with someone at work, and my husband still sees her every day?” She sat in her chair and looked at me, desperate for answers.
“He says its over, and that he wants to work on our marriage. But my husband works with this woman, he sees her all the time and right now he cant just quit his job. We need the money, and things are tough out there in the job market.”
Her question is legitimate. What if your partner cheats and then has to see that person, every day sometimes, even after the affair is over? Can a couple really work on their relationship and renew their commitment to each other? Can the affair ever really be over?
I told my client, gently, “This question really implies that your husband hasn’t made up his mind to be done with the affair. It sounds like you are wondering if just seeing this other person would drive him back into her arms, regardless of his decision to make it work with you.” She nodded.
“The temptation might be greater to cheat again with this other woman, sure. But in reality, temptation is everywhere. Its only a fingertip away every day, on the internet, on the phone, or by text. With social networking and the web we can find an outside partner without ever having to leave our desk. So seeing another person in the office doesnt guarantee that an affair will continue.”
“What will determine whether or not an affair is really over is whether or not you and your partner are truly working toward change in your relationship. Are you communicating every day about your relationship and how you feel? Are you working on your erotic life together and keeping things adventurous and fun in the bedroom? Are you focused on what makes your partner feel loved, and is he doing the same for you? These things, more then the type or amount of temptation in the workplace will determine if your spouse is “working late” at the office or coming straight home to you.”
She smiled, a little unsure. But we agreed before the end of the session today that she would go home and talk to her husband about her concerns and ask him what they could do to work on this situation together. She felt confident he would understand and be willing to do whatever it took for them both to feel connected again.
Feeling like an affair is really over can take months, sometimes years. Be patient with yourself if you are still struggling with doubts and fears. For help, and for more info on whether or not an affair is really over, and how to tell if your spouse is cheating, go to www.drtammynelson.com
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