According to Lock Hughes, on Greatist.com, The No. 1 Thing 15 Relationship Experts Have Learned About Love, varies according to each expert. I like the advice these relationship experts give, but my favorite is Terri Orbuch’s advice to give your lover one appreciation every day. I know this really works in my own relationships, and when I am doing Imago Relationship Therapy in my office, it is a major part of every couple’s therapy session. I want to highlight my favorites:
1. Appreciation: The number one desire killer, for women especially, is being taken for granted. When you work hard every day to take care of your family, your self, your home, and your job or business, the last thing you want to hear from your partner in life is complaints about how you could do more in the bedroom. Instead of criticizing the style or lack of intimacy in your relationship, try appreciating your partner and their efforts.
2. Every relationship has value, no matter how long it lasts – This often comes up for couples considering separation or divorce. Our greater culture perpetuates a belief that when a marriage ends, no matter how many years it continued or memories it created, it failed. Many divorcing couples feel devastated that somehow their shifting relationship means they are a failure at love. I challenge this cultural norm and encourage couples to honor and celebrate the time they spent together, and encourage them to look to the future and what new relationship lies ahead for them both.
6. Stop trying to be each other’s “everything.” – This concept is critical for long-term relationships who are noticing that their sexual desire is beginning to wane. Often when we build families together, the energy between a romantic couples shifts into a more compassionate love, away from the steamy, passionate fire of desire that roars between two new lovers excited to explore a new connection. When we spend every moment, every day, connected physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually with another person there’s no space for desire to breath. For more information on this idea, check out Esther Perel’s Mating in Captivity.
13. Remove the pressure on performance. – All of our media (TV, movies, even commercials) emphasizes performance in sex. This cultural norm creates a very strong possibility that we will be disappointed, or fearful of what our bodies and our minds do during intimacy. To spark the fires of desire and sexual connection between couples, I encourage them to have weekly, scheduled sex dates. For the first few sex dates I instruct them to NOT have penetrative sex, sometimes not even to touch each other’s genitals at all! I emphasize intimacy and connection, because that’s really what sexless couples are missing, right?
I like Sari Cooper’s advice (LINK)n about not making sex about getting to the orgasm, but appreciating the moment. I recommend quite a few of these ideas to my clients and some times our therapy sessions focus less on conflict and more on how to be a better couple. In my couples intensives we can dig in deeper and get to what’s really missing or needs changing in your lives.
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