When men were surveyed in a study, they reported that they thought that “…it should take women no more than four minutes of direct clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm…”
Anatomically, it takes women an average of eight to thirty minutes of direct clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm.
However, this is not the fault of men or even a result of their ignorance. I blame women for this one. In fact, up to 80 percent of women fake orgasms. Many do it because they are unaware of their own bodies’ sexual response and therefore they don’t know how to teach their partner to pleasure them.
So if after four minutes a woman grows impatient with herself or with a man’s fumbling, good-natured experimenting, she may fake it to move onto other things, thereby teaching him that it only takes “four minutes.”
I was consulted for a HuffPo article on faking your orgasm. Why lie? Your relationship with your partner should be built on honesty. Learn how to talk about sex here.
Let this be a lesson. Don’t fake it. Instead, let him know what you like through positive reinforcement. Instead of saying “It doesn’t feel good when you go to the left,” tell him (or her) that “I love it when you go to the right.”
This is the secret to changing the sexual response cycle. To let your partner know what you need in order to bring you to orgasm, you have to tell them what you like and what gets you there.
Many women either don’t know, or can’t express their needs adequately. They are either shy or honestly don’t have the words to describe what pressure, or speed, or connection that they need, particularly in the moment.
If you cannot come up with words, use sounds, moans, and sighs to signal to your partner that they are doing a good job. If all else fails, move their head or their hand to the right spot. Most partners want to know how to bring you to orgasm, so you are really depriving them of the potential of doing just that if you don’t give them any feedback.
So stop. Just stop. Take a break. Just stop faking it, let your partner realize that you aren’t orgasming. Take a hiatus. And then start fresh.
Figure out together how to make it happen. First, start with masturbation, and get really expert on getting off on your own. Then you can participate with partnered orgasm by teaching your partner how you respond and to what type of stimulation.
Trust me. They will appreciate your real orgasm much more than your fake one.