Is Monogamy Obsolete?

TIME Magazine posed this important question to content creators and thought leaders for Monday’s ‘Question Everything’ issue. It’s an important conversation as the growing phenomenon of sex outside marriage comes to public awareness. Are we struggling to deny a biological drive that goes beyond monogamy? Or does healthy monogamy include a flexible and fluid desire for agreements in marriage that include all types of emotional and sexual commitments? I join this conversation over the next few weeks and share my thoughts and responses to to TIME Magazine in my blog. If you missed Tuesday’s blog, click here: Is Monogamy Over?

The Beauty of Sexuality Is Openness by James Deen
James Deen, adult-film actor and director, shares the younger generation’s perspective that all expressions of sexuality are natural and flexible. Deen says, if it’s working and satisfying for everyone involved then there’s nothing wrong with it. He believes monogamy is not obsolete, but merely one choice among many. In my book, The New Monogamy (LINK) I give couples ways to communicate about their monogamy agreements, so that both partners get their needs met and avoid sexual boredom, frustration and infidelity.

Hook-Up Culture Allows Exploration by John Cameron Mitchell
John pulls lessons from the growing acceptance of same-sex marriage and the dismantling of gender roles in relationships as examples of how the cultural concept of marriage is changing. In these “new” styles of relationships, people are taking more risks, negotiating their own boundaries, and defining their expectations. John suggests that the new hook-up culture is a good example of how people are more open to exploration and negotiation, “What are you into? What are we into?” Working together with open honesty is more likely to leave all participants satisfied. Gay marriage can teach straight people a lot about marriage.

We Crave Something Beyond Biology by Andy Stanley
Andy is a pastor and author of The New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating. He suggests that monogamy is endangered, rare, and something to be protected from the ‘evils’ of the world. Calling himself ‘happily monogamous,’ he says he finds that monogamy is rare. Perhaps the intimacy Andy identifies as the primary reason for marriage is far more difficult in long-term partnerships, and that lack of intimacy, physical, sexual and emotional, is the driving force behind many affairs. We aren’t taught how to cultivate intimacy alongside the rigors of modern life: given our over-worked, under paid stressful work lives and our over burdened family obligations.

It’s One Option—Not the Default by Rachel Hills
Rachel’s answer to this question is probably similar to some of the themes found in my books, Getting the Sex You Want as well as The New Monogamy. Monogamy is only one option among many. Rachel points out that men aren’t satisfied (see Ashley Madison) and women aren’t satisfied (see Addyi), so what’s going on? The likely culprit is couples aren’t talking about sex or asking for what they want, and when they aren’t satisfied, they give up or cheat. Perhaps if we all treated monogamy as “an option rather than a default” then we would be more open to the idea or inclined to negotiate sexual needs and relationships that work for us.

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