Not getting the sex you want is never an excuse for violence
Have you ever experienced a time in your life when you wanted to have sex but you didn’t have a partner and had trouble finding one? If not, you may have trouble understanding the mindset of a group of men who are now calling themselves Incel, which stands for involuntary celibacy.
Many people have trouble making or maintaining sexual connections with others. Most of the time, those people simply deal with their reality. They may complain about the situation to friends. Or they seek help through therapy or coaching.
Lately, however, a growing group of men who lack social skills, and resent their own lack of sexual partners, are angrily commiserating with other resentful men, and forming communities online. Terms like “friend zone” are popping up in these conversations, as a way to describe being ostracized by women and feeling rejected.
Involuntary celibacy is now the basis for a violent cult
This Incel “subculture” is becoming organized around these issues and amplifying these negative feelings. The men in these groups blame their problems on their lack of sexual partners and express resentment toward women.
This misogyny is escalating. The self-identified “Incel” group has a mob rhetoric, designed to keep its members amped up and angry. They contemplate, fantasize, discuss, and now are inciting violence.
In their online “Incel” groups, they describe in detail the abusive, brutal things they want to do to women (who they believe have withheld sex) and sexually successful men (who they believe have stolen their chances for sex).
The group is misogynistic, violent, and unforgiving. They will even tear each other down, to keep everyone in the group seething with anger.
In Toronto recently, one of the self-identified members of an Incel group used a van to plow into a crowd. The Toronto police force was able to apprehend the driver of the van without having to shoot into the crowd.
The driver felt disenfranchised, lonely, and suffered from mental illness. All of these contributed to his dangerous and psychotic behavior.
Feeling denied of sex can be painful
Yes, it can be incredibly painful to be denied an opportunity to connect erotically with another human being. Sex is a basic human need and when that need goes unfulfilled for a long time, it can sometimes lead to hurt feelings and negativity.
But lack of sex is not a justification for violent behavior. Misogyny and anger at women are excuses, and psychotic ones, for murderous acting out.
In a culture that celebrates toxic forms of masculinity, the drive to excel in traditionally masculine areas (finance, sports, and sexuality) can at times cause legitimate desires to morph into dark and dangerous drives.
Men often feel intense and (sometimes) unbearable pressure to succeed in these areas. This pressure can lead some men to do destructive things in order to avoid humiliation.
Involuntary celibacy can be addressed without violence and misogyny
Unfortunately, some men feel entitled to sex. Feeling they deserve women’s bodies and sexuality regardless of how they interact in relationship is how misogyny manifests.
When these men see women as inferior, they are more likely to feel entitled to sex. When women don’t automatically give in to their desires, their resentment turns to anger and can lead them to hatred and sometimes to violence.
Experts agree social skills and empathy can be taught
Some experts are suggesting that men simply need to be given more access to social skills training. Others are recommending that we as a society continue working to break down toxic masculinity and begin celebrating non-toxic male behaviors.
For example, check out these amazing Dads.
In many individual cases, therapy can help with social skills, empathy, and self-awareness.
Are you involuntarily celibate? Here’s what you can do instead of joining a hate group
Want to avoid being part of a hateful group like Incel to cope with your involuntary celibate state? Other people have done things such as:
- Experiment with a variety of ways to masturbate
- Investigate sexual surrogacy through IPSA, the International Professional Surrogacy Association
- Hire a therapist or counselor to help you learn the social skills needed to connect with someone
- Go to cuddle parties, for non-erotic touch
- Channel your erotic energy into your work or into artistic endeavors
- Devote your erotic energy to your spiritual practice
- Get therapy to help you learn to deal with rejection and how not to take it so personally
- Get therapy to work through your hatred of women, your perception of women’s inferiority, or your sense of entitlement to women’s bodies and sexuality
What’s most important if you’re not getting the sex you want
Learn to connect with women and a woman will be much more likely to want to be sexual with you.
Continue going out, meeting people, establishing connections, and taking risks. The more you put yourself out there, the higher the likelihood you’ll find someone interested in being in a relationship with you. Remember, sex comes after creating a real relationship with a real person.