Do You Struggle to Find Sexual Partners?

Not getting the sex you want is never an excuse for violence

Do you struggle to find sexual partners? - Dr. Tammy Nelson blog

Have you ever experienced a time in your life when you wanted to have sex but you didn’t have a partner and had trouble finding one? If not, you may have trouble understanding the mindset of a group of men who are now calling themselves Incel, which stands for involuntary celibacy.

Many people have trouble making or maintaining sexual connections with others. Most of the time, those people simply deal with their reality. They may complain about the situation to friends. Or they seek help through therapy or coaching.

Lately, however, a growing group of men who lack social skills, and resent their own lack of sexual partners, are angrily commiserating with other resentful men, and forming communities online. Terms like “friend zone” are popping up in these conversations, as a way to describe being ostracized by women and feeling rejected.

Involuntary celibacy is now the basis for a violent cult

Do you struggle to find sexual partners? - Dr. Tammy Nelson blog

This Incel “subculture” is becoming organized around these issues and amplifying these negative feelings. The men in these groups blame their problems on their lack of sexual partners and express resentment toward women.

This misogyny is escalating. The self-identified “Incel” group has a mob rhetoric, designed to keep its members amped up and angry. They contemplate, fantasize, discuss, and now are inciting violence.

In their online “Incel” groups, they describe in detail the abusive, brutal things they want to do to women (who they believe have withheld sex) and sexually successful men (who they believe have stolen their chances for sex).

The group is misogynistic, violent, and unforgiving. They will even tear each other down, to keep everyone in the group seething with anger.

In Toronto recently, one of the self-identified members of an Incel group used a van to plow into a crowd. The Toronto police force was able to apprehend the driver of the van without having to shoot into the crowd.

The driver felt disenfranchised, lonely, and suffered from mental illness. All of these contributed to his dangerous and psychotic behavior.

Feeling denied of sex can be painful

Do you struggle to find sexual partners? - Dr. Tammy Nelson blog

Yes, it can be incredibly painful to be denied an opportunity to connect erotically with another human being. Sex is a basic human need and when that need goes unfulfilled for a long time, it can sometimes lead to hurt feelings and negativity.

But lack of sex is not a justification for violent behavior. Misogyny and anger at women are excuses, and psychotic ones, for murderous acting out.

In a culture that celebrates toxic forms of masculinity, the drive to excel in traditionally masculine areas (finance, sports, and sexuality) can at times cause legitimate desires to morph into dark and dangerous drives.

Men often feel intense and (sometimes) unbearable pressure to succeed in these areas. This pressure can lead some men to do destructive things in order to avoid humiliation.

Involuntary celibacy can be addressed without violence and misogyny

Unfortunately, some men feel entitled to sex. Feeling they deserve women’s bodies and sexuality regardless of how they interact in relationship is how misogyny manifests.

When these men see women as inferior, they are more likely to feel entitled to sex. When women don’t automatically give in to their desires, their resentment turns to anger and can lead them to hatred and sometimes to violence.

Experts agree social skills and empathy can be taught

Do you struggle to find sexual partners? - Dr. Tammy Nelson blog

Some experts are suggesting that men simply need to be given more access to social skills training. Others are recommending that we as a society continue working to break down toxic masculinity and begin celebrating non-toxic male behaviors.

For example, check out these amazing Dads.

In many individual cases, therapy can help with social skills, empathy, and self-awareness.

Are you involuntarily celibate? Here’s what you can do instead of joining a hate group

Want to avoid being part of a hateful group like Incel to cope with your involuntary celibate state? Other people have done things such as:

Do you struggle to find sexual partners? - Dr. Tammy Nelson blog

  • Experiment with a variety of ways to masturbate
  • Investigate sexual surrogacy through IPSA, the International Professional Surrogacy Association
  • Hire a therapist or counselor to help you learn the social skills needed to connect with someone
  • Go to cuddle parties, for non-erotic touch
  • Channel your erotic energy into your work or into artistic endeavors
  • Devote your erotic energy to your spiritual practice

Do you struggle to find sexual partners? - Dr. Tammy Nelson blog

  • Get therapy to help you learn to deal with rejection and how not to take it so personally
  • Get therapy to work through your hatred of women, your perception of women’s inferiority, or your sense of entitlement to women’s bodies and sexuality

What’s most important if you’re not getting the sex you want

Do you struggle to find sexual partners? - Dr. Tammy Nelson blog

Learn to connect with women and a woman will be much more likely to want to be sexual with you.

Continue going out, meeting people, establishing connections, and taking risks. The more you put yourself out there, the higher the likelihood you’ll find someone interested in being in a relationship with you. Remember, sex comes after creating a real relationship with a real person.

6 Responses

  1. AM
    | Reply

    They see women as interchangeable sexbots ranked on a 1-10 scale, not humans. They may not hate us but they dehumanise us and commodify us even when they’re doing their “nice guy” act and all for an ulterior motive. We can TELL when he has nothing but a sexual agenda, it’s creepy as hell.

    Two women a week on average are murdered by their husband, boyfriend or ex. These are the ones who ARE getting laid. And the ones who aren’t wish violence on us and are starting to act it out. And if we stay away from them because of all this it’s STILL our fault for not being the available hole they feel entitled to. We owe them nothing.

  2. Once was an Incel
    | Reply

    I think this article needs to be fowardes more.

    There is too much mockery and ostracizing of these men. How can we ask men to be more expressive and then when a group of men do express what hurts them most…. All they receive from society is MORE ridicule.

    I’ve seen the words mysoginist, woman-hating, feelings entitled to sex etc …all used to basically render the incels frustration as unwarranted.

    But as the OP here has stated, sex IS a basic need and lack of sex should not be ridiculed as a minor problem.

    I am glad that a female incel has posted here. I think actually that female incels are probably the best people to do outreach.

    Just think about it; a heterosexual woman, stretching her hand out to a heterosexual man to let him know that he is not alone in his struggle for companionship.

    The reason I say this is there is a certain logic that keeps incels from being receptive to advice

    A) advice from another man who has never had problems with women may come across as disingenuous.

    B) advice from a typical woman (not a female incel) may also come across as disingenuous because in their mind, the average woman does not have to struggle for sexual fulfillment.

  3. Steve
    | Reply

    Good advice. Doesn’t take away the pain but nonetheless still a well written piece.

  4. Upwealthy
    | Reply

    Thanks for sharing.

  5. Jane
    | Reply

    There are women in these cases too, we just aren’t out here harming people and peddling hate of all men on the internet. If men like any chick other than me, that’s ok. There is literally every other thing in the world aside from romantic/sexual relationships. I wish these ‘incel’ dudes could understand that. And pain is sometimes a good thing. It forces you to pay attention to where it hurts. It can transform you for the better as well if you let it, they choose to let their hurting turn violent and evil. That’s a choice. Dig deep incel men, the world owes you nothing. Find a good, good hobby that is ongoing and rewarding, study, play lots of chess (no excuse for us people no one wants to be bad at chess, we have all the time in the world to practice), research things online that interest you instead of pouring your energy in hateful forums. Take time to appreciate lovers when you see them, because love being in the world is a very good and wonderful thing. And most of all, get into nature. Go to the park and see the animals, or just get lost in a forest wandering around. It’s healing things out there for free if your heart is open to the world around you. I pity these boys.


    A woman that no men want (we exist…and no I’m not fat or disfigured)

  6. Tammy, this is good work!
    “Not getting the sex you want is never an excuse for violence”
    It’s a fine piece of outreach…is it reaching the intended audience?

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